damn you sodastationcoffeetea.

I wrote this following essay on September 26, 2007, in the category about me on my blog Coffee & Cigarettes. 

 

damn you sodastationcoffeetea.

sitting here. lump in my throat. crick in my neck. and a thought that won’t leave. let alone, won’t quite quit me. let alone, i don’t know what it is. but it keeps me awake. every night. i don’t sleep. you kidding?

and there is pond in the back where we catch our salmon. in fact, it’s about time they were fed.

and there is this pressure from everyone. it tells me to succeed. it says, please alyssa, go to school. do your best. i’ll love you, once you complete this important task. what are you when everything is taken, and you are degreeless? what are you now? 22. no life here for you. it’s been years. your friends are already done, and you aren’t. worthless.

i can tell by your eyes that you weren’t meant for a resturant. i can tell by your mind that you want to go somewhere. that you could. but you gotta go to school first. you know, for the experience. so young, but so old. don’t throw this life away. you only got one.

and how much longer must i listen, before it goes away? should i start lying? i could tell you i have my bachelors, and i’m hoping to get into stanford for law. or i could tell the truth. but the truth doesn’t cut it. it doesn’t cut it with family. doesn’t cut it with friends. and let me tell you even strangers think it sucks. but it’s my answer, and it will remain that way til i change my mind.

“i don’t wanna.”
“no one WANTS to.”
“i really don’t wanna.”
“alot of people really don’t want to.”
“yeah, but i’m not them.”
“i’ll give you some free advice.”
“sure.”
“go to school, work through it. you won’t regret it.”
“i will.”
“i promise you that you won’t.”
“you don’t even know me.”
“i know your type.”
“i’m not a type.”
“do you want to work in a resturant forever?”
“no.”
“see.”
“i’m not going to be working in a resturant forever.”
“well you’re gonna have to, if you don’t go to school.”
“no i won’t”
“how do you know?”
“because i don’t wanna.”
“what do you WANT to do.”
“whatever i want to do at the time that i want to do it in.”
“which is?”
“right now? write.”
“do you write?”
“everyday.”
“why don’t you go to school to write? gain some experience.”
“because i don’t wanna.”
“i’m just telling you.”
“you’re not the first.”
“it’s my advice, you don’t have to take it.”
“thank you, i won’t.”

and so it goes. ask me how many times this exact conversation has taken place. i will tell you at least 3 times a week since i graduated highschool and then dropped out of community college. because let me tell you, my non-want for school has not left since before i decided to enroll the first time.

that last sentence made sense i am sure.

no sir, we don’t have french dressing, it’s an italian resturant. i know i think it’s stupid too.

my life would be easier if i knew how to catch a man and marry him. that way people would stop questioning my descisions in life. they’d say, “oh, well she’s married.” wouldn’t that be grand? except i can’t get a man to save my life, and i don’t believe in love. and i don’t ever want to get married, because thats forever.

so i am alone. i work in a resturant. i’m 22, but pretty soon i will 45 and nowhere. or at least thats what is said. maybe it’s true. maybe it’s not. maybe just maybe, i am the girl that will change your ideas. on life. on love. on my own. without your free advice.

maybe you will learn to love me. because i’m different. because i have a story. because i don’t want to do anything that i don’t want to do. and you can trust that everything i am doing, is something i honestly want to be doing.

do we have cold drinks? if i put ice in it, it will be cold.

i don’t mind waiting tables. i like it. it takes my mind of things. i don’t mind bartending. i like it. it’s creative. i don’t mind sleeping in my parents basement. i don’t mind, because its not my definition, it’s my circumstance.

and this lump in my throat is because i am sad that i couldn’t love him. and the crick in my neck is because of nothing i could control. and the thought in my head, is just that, a thought. that one day, i will be where i am supposed to be.

and i will get there however the hell i want to.

Then I received  a comment from from one of my favorite blog stalker trolls, from the late aughts.

 

Comments feed for this article. Send in the clowns:

September 26, 2007 at 3:31 pm

eaquity

I admire your passion, but at times it sounds more like escapism.

You shouldn’t confuse agendas with laziness; Nor should you confuse wisdom with common conception.
I do think that more often than not, you should get off your lazy ass and do something you don’t want to (pardon my french, that whole ‘but i don’t wanna’ concept irritates the hell out of me, generally speaking) –
not because anyone’s making you do it, but because it’s important to you. Because you care about something other than yourself and your immediate enviroment. Your ‘here & now’.

Now, about wisdom and common conceptions;
Going to school, being in a relationship or punching-in a high payroll isn’t going to save you. It might save you from your parents and friends, but no more than that.

I suppose, in the end of the day, this is about making a conscious choice to do something that you believe in,
instead of doing nothing just because you can.

September 26, 2007 at 6:24 pm

alyssa sharpe

i have a reason and thought behind everything i do, and my “i don’t wanna” speech is because i’ve learned you don’t have to explain your real reasoning behind anything, because who’s to say that explaining is going to change an already bias opinion anyway?

it’s annoying to others, but i wasn’t born to make everyone happy. the speech is an escape for sure. an escape from an argument that doesn’t need to take place with strangers. the reasons for what i do, are my own.

September 27, 2007 at 10:04 pm

eaquity

I’d never question your social demeanor – i’m not at right to – and you do have a point about arguing with a biased opinion,
but who’s to say everyone’s questioning your decisions?

I admit, it’s likely that most are, but i know i wasn’t, and i still got at least some of the cold shoulder with your last comment.

If this post was about the way you explain yourself to others, than i was mistaken and you should disregard what i said.
I was just under the impresion that this was your place, housing your own thoughts and motives.

Thank you Father Ognibene, but we both forgot to add: Thanks for Irony eaquity, also thank you for the stalks. I wonder if you’re still my biggest hater– oh wait. That is rektsun, aka Karlie Moss, from Reddit.